I can breathe!

This is suppose to be a positive post. I am in the library at the university today and a wonderful sensation fell upon me. I wanted to blog about it - the words of what I would say kept rolling around in my head. But then as I hear myself speak in myhead I start to hear - my wonderful blog post once again sounds all gloom and doomy and vent-ish.

I'll try and stay positive.

I can breathe!

When did life get so busy? So stressful? And so un-enjoyable. The happy moments in my life are fleeting, and feel so rare. Sometimes I feel like I'm in control of someone else's life while I wait for the kids to grow up and then I can have mine back. My simple, easy, enjoyable, well-rested life.

I have a final tomorrow. Luckily I only take one class a quarter. Luckily this class hasn't been too overbearing. But between friends, and Willow's birthday plans, Thanksgiving coming up, regular Wife Duties, household chores that are piling up no matter how much I do, and it's also the busiest time of my year at work...oh, yeah, that work thing I'm suppose to do, that I'm getting real tired of....fast. All these things and many more tiny detail that I'm failing to list, have me in a funk. (Holy CRAP! The boy scout leader called me while I'm trying to study - he's on the phone - I'm on the phone while students are listening to me, I'm so bad! ) But I've been battling this same funk for about 4 years now.

When did life get so complicated? I remember before moving to Seattle, being a single mom, and doing my MBA, life was still less stressful. What changed?

But in a few moments today. Life stopped. No T.V. was on, no computer around (okay, until I got on the school computers), it was quiet, no voices yelling "mommy", no worrying that I'm stepping on Rod's toes, no need to: make dinner, do laundry, clean anything, stare at a dirty house, go to Target or Safeway or any other errand that needs to be done. All before I have to start bedtime routines, and try and get it ALL DONE by 8 pm.

It was quiet. Silent. Perfect. I sat in a comfy old chair with a side table next to me, spread out with a text book and notes. Every so often I'd look around and just breathe. Breathe in the calmness. I could hear the creak of a chair on my right from a student in another part of the room studying. I could hear a tap tap tap of another somewhere else on their laptop. I kept stopping my studying and just listening to the nothing-ness. I was also in the magazine section. With all the Newsweeks, and National Geographics, in their platic display sleeves. I would pick up one then another. Just sitting in the quiet comfy chair and read an article here or there. I was relaxed. I could feel my heart beat slower.

I remember this feeling. It was happiness, it was one-ness with life and it was simple.