Where does this blog take me?

I know what I suck at, ohhhhh yes I do.

I suck at cleaning a house, I suck at being productive at work, I really suck at blogging. The words race in my head all day long, yet I never put them down on the blog.

So let's try our hand at this blog thing again. What should be the focus? Me? The Kids? Life in General? Or the Cocktail I ohhh so wished for (yet could not seem to get out of the house on any Date Nights to produce the said blogs)

Well, how about just babble? I babble well indeed!
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I suck. Why am I just SO bitter sometimes? And why is it always with the same folks? They must think I'm some crazy lunatic unhappy woman.

Once again, I found myself in a nice adult gathering sans kids but actually with husband in tow. (or was I in tow?) Anyway we sat next to couple with such a NICE SWEET wife. Gosh, she's nice. I don't think her husband truly likes me, but he tolerates me and for that I'm thankful to him. But she's so nice.

I had been down in the dumps about parenting which unfortunately happens to me alot. It's like a continuous cycle of loving my kids with every ounce of my soul and back to loathing everything that is about parenting. My definitive selfish side, that rears it's ugly head way too many times to count.

But there I was - tired. And JEALOUS. Maybe that's what always makes me seem so bitter. How did it come about? Well, my BIL & SIL 10 year wedding anniversary vow renewal ceremony thingy is coming up. All couples were invited to add to the wedding video to be shown at the ceremony. Okay, fun. Free wine and I can speak about the love and trials of a good marriage. So there we are all couples just sitting about and we were looking at BIL & SIL's wedding pictures from 10 years ago. They looked so young! So I said innocently, "Wow, wouldn't it be great to be 10 years younger again!" and well, to me yes it would. I'd be about 26 and the years of 23 to 27 rocked in my life, and I'd love to be in that place again. Just going to school, working a part time easy job, no worries just homework and in my wonderful little studio. Man, I loved that studio!! Life was easy, and fun, and well, well rested from the sleeping in that occurred many days at my place.

But the very sweet wife said, "Oh gosh no!" I forgot she'd be a teenager! Now I said that I would adore being 17 again too! I loved High School in all it's click-ish and geeky glory. My mom cooked and cleaned while I and my sister lounged around all day either in bed, or napping on the couch or parked infront of the family TV - what's not to love!

So she said something so nice and positive. Something that went like "We cherish every moment of life and look towards the future and only see it getting better and better!" Why can't I be like that!! Oh noooooo. I have to crush it and say, "Oh Honey, you don't have kids yet **putting hand on her shoulder** you just wait, they suck the life right out of you". She walked away after I said that.

What the hell am I doing? There she is again. The me that misses the way life "used to be". When I could just do what I want, when I wanted, not spend $1200 a month on daycare but actually buy things for myelf - fun things or fun places to go. I'm bitter. I don't smile or laugh like I used to, not like before kids. Now I yell for them to get their clothes on, and get annoyed in less than a milla-second if ANYBODY whines. And kids whine ALOT!

I'm not going to paint that picture again. The one where I wish I had my life back, and did the things I loved instead of the responsibilities I have. I was bitter because I waited 12 hours on my Labor Day, not having a picnic or on a boat or having a BBQ like all the kidless people - no I spent 12 hours trying to keep kids busy while they bugged me all day - and all I want to do was paint my toenails.

You heard right. I was bitter because I wanted 20 minutes to myself to paint my toenails. Once I got them all in bed I ran to the bathroom and picked out a new color and top coat and base, and all the toe nail goodness...and sat down. No whining, no getting dinner ready, no having to keep them from bugging me all day...just sit there on the couch at 9 pm and do my toe nails.

So the next night with the very nice, sweet, well rested YOUNG wife, I squashed her positive spin on life. And I'm sorry. I was you once, and I'm jealous I'm not you now.

I'm ashamed of myself, and I'm working on it. I love my kids with my whole soul. I just hate being a parent. That's my issue and I'm sorry it bled out.